Detective Sherlock Hams

This week we are welcoming Officer Sherlock Hams to guest post on the Le Petit Saint Crochet blog. He is recounting the terrible events of November 13, 2018.

“It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.” – Sherlock Holmes  – A Scandal in Bohemia

The call came in around 9:30 p.m. The muffled cries were difficult to interpret. The 911 dispatcher asked over and over, “Do you need police, fire , or ambulance?” Heavy breathing was the only sound coming through clearly. Law enforcement arrived at the residence at approximately 9:45 p.m. They knocked on the door of the quiet suburban home but the only response was the bark of dog. The back door was unlocked and as they quietly tiptoed into the house the canine greeted them with the friendly wag of her tail. The officers searched the downstairs and found nothing out of the ordinary. That all changed as they made their way upstairs. That’s when they called me, Detective Sherlock Hams.

The team from left to right: Officer Crispin Coati, first on the scene. Rita Cheetach, police sketch artist, and Detective Sherlock Hams

It has been said that I am the best pig in all of law enforcement and I’ve earned that praise. Up until this case I had a 100% solve rate. No crime has ever gone unresolved under my watch, that is until now. Officer Crispin Coati called me at 9:52 p.m. and something about the sound of his voice gave me goosebumps. This was no ordinary crime. I arrived at the scene at 10:09 p.m. Nothing about the neighborhood, home, or interior suggested that such a heinous act had been committed.

The gruesome crime scene

I followed Officer Coati up the stairs and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the mangled body of the victim. He was being attended by the paramedics and loaded up onto a stretcher. I leaned in close and whispered, “Who did this to you?” He could only point and gesticulate wildly with his hands. We were unsuccessful in our attempts to decipher his personal sign language. As they wheeled Grunkle away into the ambulance I  vowed that we would not stop until we uncovered the truth behind what happened to that innocent crocodile.

Officer Coati and I continued searching the house and found no one else at the residence and no forced entry points. This didn’t look like a typical burglary gone bad. This looked like a very personal attack. Whoever did this never wanted Grunkle to speak again. Several small pieces of green yarn were on the floor near where his body had been found. Pieces were found in other rooms with stuffing strewn down the stairs. This was worse than I had originally thought.

Overhead shot of the gruesome crime scene.

As we were leaving the residence I saw the dog sitting on the couch. In that instance I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she had something to do with the crime. Partly because she had green yarn stuck to her chin but partly because her grey eyes looked at me with what could only be called, proud accomplishment. I approached the canine cautiously and asked her where she had been during the attack. She just looked at me and panted. Her collar revealed her name was Pippa, but everything else about her screamed monster. I again questioned her whereabouts during the hours of 8:30 – 9:30 that evening. Nothing. With no other witnesses, this job was going to take everything I have ever learned about detective work. I would need to dig deep if I were to ever find justice for Grunkle.

The suspect.

Back at the precinct I got to work immediately. I called in a special task force to assist me. We hired Rita Cheetah to sketch the crime scene to help us see the situation in a new light. We created a link chart on our main bulletin board to map the people, locations, motives, and opportunities of our case.  As the days wore on, more and more strings were added to create a complicated pattern in our attempt to answer the questions the public were demanding to know.

Photo credit Serial Podcast Season 1

Unbeknownst to me at the time a female feline had been doing a little investigating of her own. Magik Kitty was a regular around my neck of the woods and was known to be quite close with Grunkle and my suspect, Pippa. If I had been aware of her snooping around I would have put a stop to it at once. Thank goodness that never happened.

Magik Kitty

I spent hours pouring over this case. For days I barely slept or ate. I could not forget the horrifying scene that was Grunkle’s face or the haunting eyes of Pippa. On November 16th an anonymous tip came in that changed everything. The caller refused to share her name but everything about her story checked out. She claimed that Pippa had been in love with Grunkle for some time and was going to express her feelings the evening of November 13th. The caller alleged that when Grunkle refused her, Pippa had attacked. It was clear from the crime scene that Pippa had something to do with the attack, I now had evidence and that golden ticket, motive. I could finally make my arrest and start the formal interview process.

Interview with Pippa

Pippa was formally charged on November 19th at 8:42 p.m. As she was being handcuffed and hauled away into the paddy wagon, Magik Kitty arrived, breathing heavily. She was waving something in her little paw. “WAIT!!!!” she screeched!!!! “Pippa didn’t do it!!” She handed me a photo and began to tell her version of the night of November 13th. When my eyes took in the images of her photo, I unlocked Pippa’s cuffs and ripped up the arrest warrant.

Evidence

From the moment she heard of Grunkle’s terrible incident, Magik Kitty believed in her heart that Pippa was not to blame. After the crime scene had been cleared she searched the room from top to bottom and found the evidence that would clear the poor dog, green yarn on the ceiling fan. Ever since Grunkle had gotten his little gray wings he had gone flying around the room. Every day he had been told not to fly in the bedroom where the ceiling fan was because if he were to become entangled in the blades it could cause serious injury. When Magik Kitty found the undeniable green yarn in that unusual spot she knew Pippa had not been the assailant, but the hero! The reason Pippa had green yarn stuck to her chin was because she was trying to help Grunkle! The heavy breathing on the phone was her attempt to alert authorities that help was needed.

Magik Kitty for the win!

From that day forward Magik Kitty has been a detective in training and is showing real promise. She has the raw talent one rarely finds these days. The old timers say that the last time such a recruit came up the ranks he was a little pink piglet fresh from the farm with a funny name.

The new investigative team

*Inspired by actual events